I like you but… please don’t ask me to marry you

None of my friends have yet reached the point where they are getting married, but they’ve started pairing off, which as a singleton makes me anxious.  As their friend it makes me happy, and in order to live vicariously through them I have started taking bets.  I don’t know who they will marry or when.  If one of my be-coupled friends is reading this yes, even you.  I don’t think I will ever reach the point where I will want to get married, so I may as well just order the cats now.  

One of the bets I have set myself is how?  How do you pop the question?

As a woman, at least of generation y, it’s not something that is actively encouraged that you take the initiative   Even in this day and age where women can ask for dates, there is still a tradition that you can only ask a man to marry you during a leap year.  I think if I were to be paired off with someone, I would probably get impatient and just bulldozer straight to the issue.  ”You are going to marry me.  Why?  Because I said so and just think of the tax benefits.”

So for any women thinking of proposing (or any man who would like to remove themselves from the woodwork and propose to me) I have compiled a list of what I think you should avoid at all costs (because if lists were people I’d ask them all to marry me, even if it meant I would be prosecuted for bigamy   You just can’t help what you fall in love with).

1. Restaurants:  The problem with proposing in a restaurant is that not only is it unbelievably unoriginal, but it also means everyone will watch you.  While a grand romantic gesture is wonderful when you have an audience, wouldn’t you much prefer an honest answer.  Think about how awkward it would be should your other half not want to marry you.  They either say yes because everyone in the restaurant is watching, and then you have to have the worst backtracking session post initial engagement sex.  Or they say no, and you have witnesses to your humiliation.  Save everyone the hassle  just don’t do it.  Also if you never take your other half out to dinner and suddenly you find yourselves in the midst of some swanky eatery, chances are that years of romantic comedies and trashy TV will have already spoiled the surprise, before she even steps through the door.
2. London/Brighton/Liverpool Eye/Wheel: I don’t know if the rest of the world has wheels, but it seems that the London eye has obviously been getting jiggy with a Ferris wheel and they are springing up across the UK.  Firstly I hate heights, so I naturally think that they are a bad idea anyway.  If someone proposed to me on a Ferris wheel, I would likely say no on principle and then vom on your shows to make sure you got the message.  Secondly you think it’s original but it’s not, like really not.  I have a friend who takes the pictures at one of these carnival rides on steroids and she must get at least 8 proposals a week.
3. Where you first met, depending on where you met:  It’s actually not a bad idea if you met on the beach or in a woodland or castle or something (being the romantic that I am, you can see I didn’t struggle for examples here at all) however if you met in a strip-joint or at the local police station then I would safely say that you might want to chalk the experience up to a unique @how we met’ story and move on.
4. Via text:  Again if you are a person of few words then fine, but don’t you think this particular question deserves an actual phone call.  Go ahead and ignore my advice, but try not to end your message with LOL or YOLO.
5. Hot air balloon:  Again with the heights, but imagine for a moment that is not an issue.  Short of riding an ornery hippo, I recon it must be one of the more dangerous ways to travel 
6. Valentines Day:  Because it’s cringy enough as it is, don’t make it worse.
7. New Years Eve:  Actually one of the more acceptable ways to propose to someone on this list, but it happens every year.  What if they say no.  What should be an evening of celebration for things gone and what lies ahead will always be the day they said “You’re joking right?  RIGHT?!”
8. His/Her birthday:  Yes it will make it easier to remember the date you got engaged.  But it doubles the problem if you forget altogether, now you have no excuse day to make it up to them.  As an alternative (because I believe in offering solutions as well and raising issues) may I suggest the following week.  That gives you enough time to load up on roses and gifts that may just persuade them to say yes.
9. Christmas:  You know your stealing everyone elses thunder, especially the person who cooked the dinner and the new baby that arrives with you cousin twice removed blah blah blah blah.  Don’t be a dick.your 
10. Immediately after asking the father for permission:  First of all, what are you doing? Asking their father for permission?  Really?  Talk about backwards and archaic, try asking the mother if you really want to win your in-laws over, that’s where the power lies.  Besides, she’ll find out before you propose, everyone in the immediate family is likely too, at least in my family.
11. Vegas:  If she says yes then great, but you might want to ask her before she gets there so she doesn’t  if she says yes, then great but might want to ask her before she gets there, so she doesn’t feel obligated to immediately agree and therefore cheat her out of the wedding of her dreams.  For my dearest readers from the UK, think Blackpool.   In these times of economic crisis, pinching the pennies can lead to more security when you start having to feed the shaved monkeys that pass for children nowadays.
12. By hiding the ring in food:  Don’t just waltz yourself into the Darwin Awards.  Unless the rock is so big it has to be hidden in a Beef Wellington then it’s a choking hazard, also when there’s food gunked up in the setting it can ruin that moment when you first slide the ring on.  Unless your into that sort of thing, in which case have at, with whipped cream on top. 
13. By choosing the ring for her:  There is one exception to this, and that is family heirlooms.  Noone wants to mar the happiest day of their life so far, by having to break out their unwanted Christmas present face.  Chances are, you’ve already seen it anyway.  I don’t know maybe they can act and you’ll never notice.
14. At sea:  Nothing destroys the moment like sea sickness.
15. Accidentally:  I’m not sure how this happens, but I imagine it’s pretty awkward when it does and is to be avoided at all costs.
16. While steaming drunk:  There’s a saying from the old country “never make decisions when you’re angry or promises when you’re happy” or propose when you’re pissed.

So those are my nightmare scenarios.  If you disagree or have anything to add, please feel free to leave a comment, just don’t get down on one knee to do so.

The problem with writing Love poems

So it’s Love with a capital ‘L’, or at least you think it is.  You may never have experienced it before so it could just be a nasty case of indigestion.  Either way your pretty sure it’s not healthy to keep it in.  So you try to express the epic highs and lows.  People do it in lots of different ways, some draw, some cook, the majority of us have tried our hands at writing love poetry.

I find myself in the strange situation of not being in love (in the heart warming reciprocated fashion, it’s more like a school-girl crush or like I’m a child in a toy shop who knows they can’t have what they want because it’s too expensive), but trying to write a love song anyway.  I’m sure there’s a proper way to write music, but I find it easier when I have lyrics first.  Which means I have to write a love poem… and it’s hard (no pun intended).

You see I’m not in love, but I’m pretty sure if I was, it would have to be with someone who made me laugh.  Not that that is a difficult task by any means.  I freely acknowledge that I laugh an aweful lot.  When I’m nervous I laugh, when I’m frightened I laugh, when I speak or breath I laugh.  Laughter is important, and for me it’s a coping mechanism.

So there would have to be laughter, and how on earth does one write a love song that makes people laugh, when I struggle so hard to talk about it with any real honesty anyway.  I think the answer is that one can, but maybe I can’t.  So instead it will no doubt come out just as clichéd and undeserving as any other previous attempt.

But back to the point.  I’m plagued by thoughts, none of them with any real rhythmic quality about what I want to accomplish but can’t.  So I thought in an exercise of self-awareness I would try and post my initial drafts here, because if there’s an off chance that someone might read it then I might actually be bothered to finish it, or at least spell check it.  So here goes:

Send it

There’s a voice in my head lately,

I hear when I’m trying to sleep.

I wish it would stop because it’s driving me crazy,

It’s all I hear when I’m trying to be deep.

It sounds like you, not the real you,

Just a close approximation

I think with some negotiation

We could maybe see this thing through.

But instead it’s got me biting my fingernails again,

I thought I’d quit when I was ten,

but I was wrong.

You’re a monster in the dark, you’re a laugh upon the wind,

You are nothing and yet your with me all the time.

I wish I knew what to say, to make it go away

I used to be normal but now I’m not

I was just starting to get my life sorted out

This close to getting my shit all in line, I would have been fine.

But now I’m thinking I might need to reorganised,

because all I really want is your shit mixed up with mine

You’re the conundrum I can’t fix, you’re the game I’ll never win,

You’re my something, you’re my nothing, you’re a thought.

I wish it didn’t feel like loving you’s a sin,

Its not the world but right now love is all I’ve got.

Now I feel that I could write in an email late at night,

Thoughts of love and bravely hit send,

But I’ve always been a afraid so I’ll change the address name

to my own and because then its not the end.

I know a guy like you can’t love a girl like me,

There are just some things that aren’t ever meant to be.

You’re out of my league at least two feet above,

So I’ll just start a one-sided, long distance love.

A Shrew’d choice for the Brighton Fringe

Like many young people trying to make their way in the world (I’m sure) I have more then one job.  Soon I wont, but that’s a story for another entry.

My favourite of all my jobs if doing stage production for the Festival Shakespeare Company as part of the Brighton Fringe Festival.  This year we (I say we, I mean the actors) will be performing The Taming of the Shrew.  It is an unusual choice, and not my favourite, but surprisingly, I am enjoying it immensely and should be well worth seeing (and since new regulation has lead to change in the way theatre companies must employ and pay their staff, meaning we are not on profit share this year, you can believe me as there is not ulterior motive.  I’ll get paid no matter what).

So yes, this is a bit of shameless semi-self promotion, but of course I wouldn’t expect you to just agree and show up without first being informed.  So without further ado I give you my top reasons to come and see our show.

1. It’s an outdoor performance

I know this could backfire, should the weather turn horrible, but what it does mean is that you can bring booze and a picnic, in fact it’s actively encouraged.

2.   We have a very attractive cast

Objectively speaking there is something for everyone, from silver foxes (yes Charlie I’m pimping you out, and what?) to beauteous starlets.  They do all happen to be extremely talented as well, but hey, eye candy never hurts right?

3.   Shakespeare: every line’s a knob gag!

Yes it’s bawdy and a cheap laugh, but everyone loves a good cock joke!  Short or long, their all hilarious.

4.   It’s suitable for children

You may think that considering the aforementioned content, that I am pulling your… ahem, leg, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Thanks to the poetic language, most of the bawdy humour will travel straight over your young-uns’ heads leaving them chuckling when someone gets punched in the face instead.  You can thank TV and gaming for that.  Under 5′s go in free.

5.    The props, if I do say so myself, look good enough to eat

I spent all weekend working on them, some of it is food, and looks so good Biondello actually tried to take a bite.

So there we are 5 short reasons, among many, why you should definitely come and see us.  And if those well reasoned and stunningly detailed arguments didn’t persuade you then check out this poster:

What wont stay buried; why you should never let your friends near film cameras

I love getting Facebook notifications.  It, rather pathetically, makes me feel loved.  However notifications are not always your friend.  Sometimes they herald things best left in the past.

One such incident recently occurred, which reminded me how fickle friends’ respect is.  My dear friend and her boyfriend (who I have yet to meet, but feel like we’re already acquaintances) posted what I thought was a long dead video on Facebook  and like you do when you find something embarrassing, tagged me in it.

It was a song, written when I was an angsting fat teenager, as opposed to an angsting fat fully grown adult.  I’m not ashamed of the song, so much as the video.  I actually am quite proud of the song, although there is always a level of shock when you realise that really is what you sound like (bar just a little retuning from your pitch-perfect piano teacher)

I think the worst thing about it is the poor excuse for a mullet that I called a hairstyle.  I hope if nothing else has improved, at least my hair has.  That and I don’t wear such awful (awfully comfy granted) clothes any more.

This post may seem shallow and superficial, but I find when judging oneself it’s best to remain on surfaces things, heaven forbid you actually set out to improve your inner self.

Asleep (Page Four); or, How do people manage real posts everyday?

Aaaand after a prolonged week break (during which my dear friend Red, who is the artist of this comic, better have come up with a good excuse) I give you page four of Asleep.

To be honest I never really thought we’d make it this far so I would just like to take a moment to thank the academy, and all my imaginary friends who have supported us thus far in our endeavour, we couldn’t have done it with you (thank goodness you’re all make believe).

And what’s really good is the fact that I can post this and still feel like I am fulfilling my promise of a blog post a week.  Cheating it may be, but  if you take a look at the archives you will see that my posting habits are sporadic at best, so if I don’t cheat I’ll never actually post at all.

I really don’t know how people post a blog a day.  I spend hours angsting over a single post and then when I’m done, I know it seems rather ill thought through and rambly (I don’t even know if rambly is a word, but I’m gonna use it anyway).  Some people even manage to post interesting things each day, which is even more unfathomable.

I think the best form of cheating are the prolific photographers who obviously have either extensive folders full of pictures for the days when they have nothing, or just manage to find a time to devote to their camera’s each day.  I feel the same about the artists on this site who seem forever able to produce fantastic sketches.  Of course I have no admiration for the lucky people able to make a living out of what they enjoy, just pure, seething envy.

For those of you who work boring jobs and only devote yourselves to more creative things in your spare time, I have nothing but respect.  How do you find the energy at the end of the day to sit down and write?  All I ever want to do is just veg, and maybe, occasionally have a flirt with the artistic.  But unbelievably some people do this all the time.  They don’t write off their mornings because they are sleepy and foul tempered, they don’t dismiss their evnings, they actually use their time productively.  How strange.

 

Mind Fuck, a love poem

You twist me up and up and up

Until I cannot sleep.

I wish I could say I wanted your mind

(But I’m really not that deep)

 

Procrastinart: How to never finish anyth…

There is no purer art form, no sweeter release than Procrastinart, the medium through which true laziness is expressed.  If performed correctly it can become a self-sustaining phenomenon, the time taken to invent new forms of time delay, in itself is a means of time delay.  Elegant isn’t it?

A lot of smack gets talked about procrastinart, particularly in the work place.  Don’t for a moment think all those self-help books about getting thing done will actually enable you to get things done.  In their own ironic manner they merely contribute to the on-going state of loitering and lollygagging.

As with more conventional art forms, procrastinart can use many mediums.  With modern technology enabling the fast completion of task, now more than ever, procrastinart is taking off.  As people free up more of their spare time, the desire to fill it with anything other then productive tasks has risen.  This has lead to a massive rise in it’s popularity and it has now swiftly risen to replace sweet-fuck-all as the UK’s number 1 hobby.

So for those of you who are only recently discovering this wonderful means of self-expression, I have included a few beginners ideas below to help you in your avoidance of the important issues.  Just follow the following eleven steps and you too can be a dawdling master.

If you don’t feel like following them right now, then well done, you have reached the final stage of your training and you can finish up tomorrow.

Step One:  Never tell anyone the true extent of your efficiency.  This is where many novices can fail due to a desire to show off.  However as soon as people know how good you are they will expect that consistent level of work.  Don’t make it harder for yourself, consistently under-perform instead.

Step Two: Never do today, what you can put off until tomorrow.  For example this post has been sitting in my drafts for months now.  Despite one of the more well known techniques of procrastinart, it is not for amateurs as it can easily be confused with forgetting about something entirely.

Step Three: Work smart not hard.  I first came across this saying in French, but have yet to look up the translation to verify it.  People who say this are often trying to pass of laziness as efficiency, but do not be fooled, they are merely people ahead of their time.   Just a little word of advice, don’t let Step Three get in the way of Step One, it’s a careful balance, but the true master of mayhap knows that when mastered, working efficiently is not something that needs to be shared with others.  You can work smartly and efficiently behind closed doors and then just count paper-clips in the company of others.

Step Four:  Never doing anything right the first time.  Everyone is allowed to make mistakes the first time they do something.  Take advantage of that and make as many mistakes as you can think of.  If anyone questions you, just point out you’ll be quicker next time, now that you know what not to do.

Step Five:  Never write down anything ever.  The best tool you have for procrstinart is your own mind, try remembering everything instead   You may forget some important things, but think of all that time you can kill trying to remember and apologising when you’re accidentally late for something.

Step Six: Become technophobic.   As previously mentioned, technology is designed to make your life easier, become fearful of it if you want to avoid completing tasks, unless you need to throw down because a friend has beaten your high-score in Bubble Witch Saga.

Step Seven: Create imaginary toddlers for yourself.  You may not be able to finish that report, but no one is going to accuse you of being a bad imaginary guardian.  In fact they may even praise you for all the time you spend making sure they mature into well-balanced make-believe adults.

Step Eight:  Become a perfectionist.  It always takes them twice as long to finish any task, and they seem like they care more.

Step Nine:  Get a hobby that can become an obsession.  Spider solitaire is a particularly good one as it can be played alone.

Step Ten:  Become partially deaf, ideally in just one ear.  If anyone asks you to do anything, you can get them to repeat themselves to the other side of your face, prolonging the point between the moment you receive the task to completing it.