None of my friends have yet reached the point where they are getting married, but they’ve started pairing off, which as a singleton makes me anxious. As their friend it makes me happy, and in order to live vicariously through them I have started taking bets. I don’t know who they will marry or when. If one of my be-coupled friends is reading this yes, even you. I don’t think I will ever reach the point where I will want to get married, so I may as well just order the cats now.
One of the bets I have set myself is how? How do you pop the question?
As a woman, at least of generation y, it’s not something that is actively encouraged that you take the initiative Even in this day and age where women can ask for dates, there is still a tradition that you can only ask a man to marry you during a leap year. I think if I were to be paired off with someone, I would probably get impatient and just bulldozer straight to the issue. ”You are going to marry me. Why? Because I said so and just think of the tax benefits.”
So for any women thinking of proposing (or any man who would like to remove themselves from the woodwork and propose to me) I have compiled a list of what I think you should avoid at all costs (because if lists were people I’d ask them all to marry me, even if it meant I would be prosecuted for bigamy You just can’t help what you fall in love with).
- Restaurants: The problem with proposing in a restaurant is that not only is it unbelievably unoriginal, but it also means everyone will watch you. While a grand romantic gesture is wonderful when you have an audience, wouldn’t you much prefer an honest answer. Think about how awkward it would be should your other half not want to marry you. They either say yes because everyone in the restaurant is watching, and then you have to have the worst backtracking session post initial engagement sex. Or they say no, and you have witnesses to your humiliation. Save everyone the hassle just don’t do it. Also if you never take your other half out to dinner and suddenly you find yourselves in the midst of some swanky eatery, chances are that years of romantic comedies and trashy TV will have already spoiled the surprise, before she even steps through the door.
- London/Brighton/Liverpool Eye/Wheel: I don’t know if the rest of the world has wheels, but it seems that the London eye has obviously been getting jiggy with a Ferris wheel and they are springing up across the UK. Firstly I hate heights, so I naturally think that they are a bad idea anyway. If someone proposed to me on a Ferris wheel, I would likely say no on principle and then vom on your shows to make sure you got the message. Secondly you think it’s original but it’s not, like really not. I have a friend who takes the pictures at one of these carnival rides on steroids and she must get at least 8 proposals a week.
- Where you first met, depending on where you met: It’s actually not a bad idea if you met on the beach or in a woodland or castle or something (being the romantic that I am, you can see I didn’t struggle for examples here at all) however if you met in a strip-joint or at the local police station then I would safely say that you might want to chalk the experience up to a unique @how we met’ story and move on.
- Via text: Again if you are a person of few words then fine, but don’t you think this particular question deserves an actual phone call. Go ahead and ignore my advice, but try not to end your message with LOL or YOLO.
- Hot air balloon: Again with the heights, but imagine for a moment that is not an issue. Short of riding an ornery hippo, I recon it must be one of the more dangerous ways to travel
- Valentines Day: Because it’s cringy enough as it is, don’t make it worse.
- New Years Eve: Actually one of the more acceptable ways to propose to someone on this list, but it happens every year. What if they say no. What should be an evening of celebration for things gone and what lies ahead will always be the day they said “You’re joking right? RIGHT?!”
- His/Her birthday: Yes it will make it easier to remember the date you got engaged. But it doubles the problem if you forget altogether, now you have no excuse day to make it up to them. As an alternative (because I believe in offering solutions as well and raising issues) may I suggest the following week. That gives you enough time to load up on roses and gifts that may just persuade them to say yes.
- Christmas: You know your stealing everyone elses thunder, especially the person who cooked the dinner and the new baby that arrives with you cousin twice removed blah blah blah blah. Don’t be a dick.your
- Immediately after asking the father for permission: First of all, what are you doing? Asking their father for permission? Really? Talk about backwards and archaic, try asking the mother if you really want to win your in-laws over, that’s where the power lies. Besides, she’ll find out before you propose, everyone in the immediate family is likely too, at least in my family.
- Vegas: If she says yes then great, but you might want to ask her before she gets there so she doesn’t if she says yes, then great but might want to ask her before she gets there, so she doesn’t feel obligated to immediately agree and therefore cheat her out of the wedding of her dreams. For my dearest readers from the UK, think Blackpool. In these times of economic crisis, pinching the pennies can lead to more security when you start having to feed the shaved monkeys that pass for children nowadays.
- By hiding the ring in food: Don’t just waltz yourself into the Darwin Awards. Unless the rock is so big it has to be hidden in a Beef Wellington then it’s a choking hazard, also when there’s food gunked up in the setting it can ruin that moment when you first slide the ring on. Unless your into that sort of thing, in which case have at, with whipped cream on top.
- By choosing the ring for her: There is one exception to this, and that is family heirlooms. Noone wants to mar the happiest day of their life so far, by having to break out their unwanted Christmas present face. Chances are, you’ve already seen it anyway. I don’t know maybe they can act and you’ll never notice.
- At sea: Nothing destroys the moment like sea sickness.
- Accidentally: I’m not sure how this happens, but I imagine it’s pretty awkward when it does and is to be avoided at all costs.
- While steaming drunk: There’s a saying from the old country “never make decisions when you’re angry or promises when you’re happy” or propose when you’re pissed.
So those are my nightmare scenarios. If you disagree or have anything to add, please feel free to leave a comment, just don’t get down on one knee to do so.